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Can Someone with Borderline Love Others? | Triangular Theory of Love

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  • Xuất bản 10 Th09, 2019
  • This video answers the questions: Can a someone with borderline personality disorder love somebody romantically or non-romantically? What is the triangulation theory of love?
    Borderline Personality Disorder:
    In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), we see nine symptom criteria for borderline personality disorder and five have to be met for a diagnosis. The symptom criteria include frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, unstable relationships, identity disturbance, impulsivity in two areas that are potentially self-damaging, suicidal behavior, affective instability, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate or intense anger or difficulty controlling anger, and paranoid ideation or dissociation. Borderline personality disorder is a Cluster B personality disorder, so it’s in the same cluster is antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders.
    Madey, S. F., & Rodgers, L. (2009). The effect of attachment and Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love on relationship satisfaction. Individual Differences Research, 7(2), 76-84.
    Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.
    Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy passion and commitment. New York: Basic Books.
    Sternberg, R. J. (1997). Construct validation of a triangular love scale. European Journal of Social Psychology, 27, 313-335.
    Sternberg, R. J. (2006) A duplex theory of love. In R. J. Sternberg & K. Weis (Eds.), The new psychology of love (pp. 184-199). New Haven: Yale University Press.
    Support Dr. Grande on Patreon:


  • ramblings of a wise drunkard
    ramblings of a wise drunkard Năm trước +118

    As a former poster child for BPD, I often cringe at the titles of your BPD videos, but not being one to shy away from the truth, I watch them anyway. I'm never disappointed. I am well aware of the havoc this disorder has imposed on my life and the lives of pretty much everyone I've gotten close to. Sometimes it's difficult to love myself because of it, but it helps to remember that no one chooses mental illness/disorder, and I am empowered to make better decisions to facilitate my well-being. Thank you for your always succinct discussions.

    • CarolH
      CarolH 2 tháng trước +1

      This is awesome to hear. I'm on my second marriage, 14 years now plus two years. I got into the relationship this time very quickly moving in with him, and we married two years later. And while the passion is largely gone, and it's true that I seem to wander in my thoughts to other men as in a former lover or a virtual stranger, I also value my husband much more as a companion who I remain committed to. I'm in my mid 50s, so passion is not really there anymore, if it even ever was there, which I question sometimes. But, I'm in DBT therapy and individual therapy and learning humility, gratitude, and even joy in relation to myself, my husband, and others. I have always felt more or less creative with music, poetry and art, and I find almost daily joy in those activities and interests. Also love astrophysics and earth science just as a reader and observer of scientific knowledge etc. I lost my dad at age 12, and kind of lost my mom around that too as well as traumas I never could voice. But I have gained insight after experiencing psychosis at my lowest point.

    • chris redfield
      chris redfield 2 tháng trước

      Hell ya you can.

    • Takias Peoples
      Takias Peoples 9 tháng trước

      @hilslamer I second that.

  • Stephen Curtin
    Stephen Curtin 3 năm trước +231

    Fantastic synopsis. I read before that people with BPD are in love with "love".the strong fantasy component on the ambivalent end of disorganised attachment while the avoidant end actively pours disdain on needing someone hence the constant pushing the partner away...which is classic fear of abandonment

    • Bruce Wayne
      Bruce Wayne Tháng trước

      I knew a BPD girl, she LOVED listening to Tears For Fear "head over heels"..

    • Nicole Blake
      Nicole Blake 6 tháng trước

      @Martin Major He is very attracted to me. Attraction is not the problem at all. It's more along the lines of what Beverley Macca said in her response to me.

    • Scarlett Grey
      Scarlett Grey 7 tháng trước

      @Martin Major I agree 100%. A lot of people these days blame their behaviour on some disorder or other, whereas the problem is often that they are immature and just cannot accept that other people may not feel as you do and should accept this gracefully, without throwing their toys out of the pram.

    • Martin Major
      Martin Major 7 tháng trước +1

      @Nicole Blake Maybe that person isn't attracted to you. Not being attracted to someone doesn't mean that person have a disorder. My former neighbor was attracted to me but I turned her down many times before she finally understood. I wasn't attracted to her. Not physically or mentally. Actually it happened to me many times with different woman. It doesn't mean that I have a disorder. Also it's annoying when someone hit on you every time they have a chance. If I was interested she would have known it very fast. But I wasn't. That's my take on this from the perspective of the other person.

    • Beverley Macca
      Beverley Macca 9 tháng trước +7

      @Nicole Blake for love avoidant people like me, it is often a conscious fear of enmeshment (being controlled, getting too close) - that is the fear we are aware of, but there is also usually a subconscious fear of abandonment.

  • The Wizard of Radical Self-Respect

    I think all psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors and therapists should be required to watch this channel. The world would be a better place for it

    • Sirena Spades
      Sirena Spades 2 tháng trước

      It's a strange comment. The professionals should have the knowledge from their training and school. This channel is entertainment for us laypersons.

    • M R
      M R 7 tháng trước +1

      @nobody nowhere I guess I'd better become an addict then. Interesting how many absolutes there are in your comments, "there is only one group of people who pass the BPD testing, that's why they always", "nobody comes out healthy", "you never can point out anything negative about borderlines, they just need to have the right to abuse people and not take any responsibility", "empathy does not work with borderlines, they will just abuse it", it's almost as if you're totally confident they all must be the same as the ones you've encountered.
      And questioning why borderlines get too much empathy instead of anyone else with cluster B traits, or the victims of borderlines and making assumptions about people is interesting.
      It's a familiar pattern. It usually goes with "they'll never change", and "get out while you still can". Let me guess, I'm triggered? Though who started in with the "they never, they always" language?

    • DMM
      DMM Năm trước

      No, then everyone would get a label

    • LAB
      LAB Năm trước

      @nobody nowhere That is extremely pessimistic and untrue. Watch Dr. Fox’s videos. All of the characteristics of BPD are skill based, and therefore able to be unlearned and learned. BPD is not “fixed” as it once was thought to be. It is on a continuum as well. Are you an expert on BPD? Because if you were, then you would have this information, and not be so caustic about their ability to love. They arn’t monsters.

    • Rebecca Naptime
      Rebecca Naptime Năm trước +2

      This is so true, and I have a MA in Professional Counseling. They also should be required to spend a couple of weeks as a patient in a mental health hospital. Some have never gained control over their own emotional issues.

  • The Disruptive Podcast
    The Disruptive Podcast Năm trước +74

    The end really weighed heavily on my heart. I would have done anything to save my ex. She didn't know how special she really was. Im still going through the motions of recovering from this relationship. Though I could no longer let myself be a shell of the person she made be become, I really loved her and always will. But I love me more.

    • Irene Edmonds
      Irene Edmonds 8 ngày trước

      I wish my ex had this strength to let me go. I have BPD and he doesn’t (I don’t think). It’s such a deep thing that it had felt impossible to end it. Still trying to but I dunno how to let him go and vice versa. He thinks so highly of me and I don’t trust him. I don’t know if I can trust anyone in general. It’s such a mess.

    • philomelodia
      philomelodia 24 ngày trước +1

      Yes, that is what ultimately drives us away, isn’t it? It’s not necessarily that you love yourself more so much as self-preservation kicks in. If you don’t leave, you know deep in your bones that she will destroy you. … … And she won’t even care. And yes, dammit, you love yourself enough to know that you don’t deserve it and nobody is worth that. I hope you recover quickly. It’s a painful business but, in the end, you’re stronger and wiser for it. The all consuming task then becomes learning as much as you can about this stuff and applying it to yourself in such a manner that you start repelling these types of people so that you don’t have to go through this again. Best of luck.

    • The Disruptive Podcast
      The Disruptive Podcast Tháng trước +1

      @Bruce Wayne anytime brother, I may start making some videos on this stuff, it seems a lot of men out there need to discuss this type of stuff.

    • Bruce Wayne
      Bruce Wayne Tháng trước +1

      @The Disruptive Podcast wow, that makes sense. Thank you!

    • The Disruptive Podcast
      The Disruptive Podcast Tháng trước +2

      @Bruce Wayne To me it sounds like your dreams are absolutely telling you something. You said it yourself, you have to do something important. And anyone who loves you is going to encourage that you go do it, not hold
      You back.

  • Zinila Kovářová
    Zinila Kovářová 3 năm trước +317

    I cried at the last question's answering. Self-love, at least self-acceptance and self-caring seem like foreign language. I begin DBT therapy, and when we talk about self-love, I always visualize myself as someone else, like an alien individual I do not know, because of self-image disturbance. That's a big part of the cake! A lot of work to achieve, yet there is hope 💪 thanks to specialists and researchers like you, some solutions exist. Thank you very much.

    • Amy Galvin
      Amy Galvin 12 ngày trước

      DBT is a great program! Created just for the difficult treatment of BPD.

    • Remnant Watchman
      Remnant Watchman 7 tháng trước

      There is total restoration in Jesus.

    • Mighty Mouse
      Mighty Mouse 7 tháng trước

      @consider-thesaurus could it be because someone in your youth made you feel bad for being the unique and wonderful person you are. I got made fun of and humiliated for being emotional and easily hurt....it made me apathetic and hard to love. You may well be a tender and very special person inside, the real you.
      I focus my empathy and love on children and animals because they don't make fun of tears, hugs and pain. They understand and love you more

    • Boombity Bipz
      Boombity Bipz 7 tháng trước

      thanks for this. i haven't reached this part of the video, i'm experiencing emotional disturbance in my gut and this is actually a trigger for me. i have been "using" dbt tools after first learning about it 20 years ago. i still have work to do i see because i'm now living with my elderly parents and it's kinda retraumatizing, ngl. it's affecting my son as well, who i also believe is BPD because abandonment is at our cores. i totally relate to self-image disturbance. i sabotage.

    • Scarlett Grey
      Scarlett Grey 7 tháng trước

      @Deranged Hermit I wouldn't 'over-think' it if I was you. Try to think about helping others more and not looking inwards too much. It is more 'healthy' and will make you feel better.

  • Jet Screamer
    Jet Screamer 3 năm trước +457

    We BPD's cannot do much until we admit we're sick. Once we stop tap dancing, and sit and think.

    • Roxie LaBelle
      Roxie LaBelle 2 ngày trước

      We're not sick, the rest of the world are!!

    • Tracy James
      Tracy James Tháng trước

      @im_saved_by_grace thank you 😊 for your support!!!!

    • F M
      F M Tháng trước

      @Tracy James I'm sorry it upsets you. It upsets me too. He would just rather hurt innocent people instead

  • Ray's Dad
    Ray's Dad 3 năm trước +133

    I agree that it's common in bpd to have anxiety about a relationship, even when it is going well, and to try to control the relationship and the other person excessively.

    • Susan Bircumshaw
      Susan Bircumshaw 10 tháng trước

      This is a light bulb moment for me.

    • Flora Tinuviel
      Flora Tinuviel 10 tháng trước

      @Ray's Dad Ah ok :)

    • Ray's Dad
      Ray's Dad 10 tháng trước +1

      @Flora Tinuviel We agree on that. I may not have expressed myself clearly.

    • Flora Tinuviel
      Flora Tinuviel 10 tháng trước

      @Ray's Dad Its not so much that, but a natural way of being. I am not a controlling person (I was in my first relationship) and not everything a textbook says means that it is true - someone with BPD may have some traits and not others.

    • Ray's Dad
      Ray's Dad 10 tháng trước

      @Flora Tinuviel Yes, people sometimes refuse to behave as the textbooks say they will.

  • Timothy McDonnell
    Timothy McDonnell 3 năm trước +66

    I have watched this several times. I have graphed the triangular view and noted the four types of love. Putting this on paper allowed me to see what love is and where I have acted and reacted to each type of love. It brings some understanding to my past. It's hard to explain. I feel relieved. Thank you.

    • Jamie Gallea
      Jamie Gallea 9 tháng trước +1

      What an amazing idea! I'm going to have to do this too.... as of now, a lot of this is abstract to me. Especially the part about self love. I need a solid foundation to aid me in beginning to understand and I think mapping this out as you did will help with my perspective. Thank you!

    • hilslamer
      hilslamer Năm trước +3

      Someone should do one of those whiteboard animated sketching videos to videos like this. Imagery helps understanding a lot.

  • Narcissistic Abuse Rehab
    Narcissistic Abuse Rehab 3 năm trước +225

    This was a wonderful explanation of a very sensitive topic. As I watched it, I thought of the BPD viewers and I imagined this could be a very painful topic for them. Yet, Dr. Grande’s delivery was direct and considerate. Another great upload - bravo 👏

    • qtwm
      qtwm 2 năm trước +1

      J A evil behavior? It’s a disorder, she’s not evil, she has no control over herself specially without therapy

    • qtwm
      qtwm 2 năm trước +1

      M Z it was hard as someone who just find out has this.

    • Rundelilah
      Rundelilah 3 năm trước +1

      I appreciate the collegiate style, Dr. Grande presents. “Viewer” here. I am st a stage that was ready to connect with the idea, and then correct that part of my MO. It was great to know there are so many kinda of love. I was so afraid that when my child was born, 23 yrs ago, that I wouldn’t know how to love him. Same when daughter came. I was ok learning about LOVE but sad ending, to know, it is as I am. Learning more does make me more self aware. I do have an aversion to people/friends, colleagues etc that say they love me as part of salutations, good byes, etc. It seems ill placed. In my thoughts I feel like they had the problem. Lol. Thank you all for being kind to those you inspire and educate to help. C:

    • Deranged Hermit
      Deranged Hermit 3 năm trước +3

      It wasn't to painful, most of it was dead on. I disagree with being able to love yourself as I think this to goes in a cycle and it could have used a second section on how people who have gone through treatment differ from those who haven't are still in their twenties. Overall a great video though.

    • Femme Dracula
      Femme Dracula 3 năm trước +5

      @Lida Hall Look up "quiet borderline." I believe Dr. Grande has at least one video about that.

  • Mark Breithaupt
    Mark Breithaupt 3 năm trước +137

    You add a level of compassion to you analysis that transcends the negativity associated with character issues. We're all human doing the best we can in spite of our conditioning. I need that in being forgiving and understanding of those I know who I have been involved with whose disorders have damaged the relationship. Thank you!

    • Yaaymeeamy
      Yaaymeeamy Năm trước +5

      @Neon Marker I have watched almost 100 of Dr Grande’s videos on mental disorders. I am hyper sensitive to critical remarks or biting sarcasm but have never once, not once, felt that the Dr. throws any judgement or shame toward the disordered. Speaking flatly and scientifically is perfect for folks like me who value science and logic. This is not s channel where one comes to have feel goods and rainbows and lollies. This is the place where over a million people watch to hear to the point subject matter without fluff and fakery. This is all I trust, this careful analysis based on science and research. I’m in the search for the truth. If I want fluff and feel good content, youtube has that content everywhere. It is a dime a dozen. Dr. Grande has changed my life.

    • Neon Marker
      Neon Marker Năm trước

      I read criticism in a young psychology PhD candidate girl's video about why she unsubscribed from Dr Grande's channel and about this lack of compassion and how Dr Grande mocks his reviewed people and how sarcastic he speaks. Many commenters agreed on this. But I personally find it better to stay calm and to even sound objective on such difficult topics. But maybe your are right and people wouldn't find it negative and maybe even I would enjoy these videos more.

    • J L
      J L 3 năm trước +12

      Very true. I was thinking this week about how hard it is to find ressources where BPD and NPD are not demonized or greatly shamed. It makes it difficult to value yourself enough to get vulnerable and undergo therapy when starting with the mindset that you are a monster. It is much easier to reject it and go on buisness as usual.
      So I agree. Great necessary work Dr. Grande. Thank you.

  • maccajames28
    maccajames28 2 năm trước +216

    When he said we're not capable of loving ourselves. My heart broke. It's true.

    • The Frog
      The Frog 6 tháng trước


    • Frankie Favero
      Frankie Favero 8 tháng trước

      I love myself... I just don't like myself sometimes... it's like I make myself cringe on a daily basis, but I'm powerless to stop it 🥺

    • Real Man
      Real Man 10 tháng trước

      Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case

    • e
      e Năm trước +1

      "Loving yourself" is an absolutely meaningless make-believe concept anyway. Love is between TWO independent beings, not within one person towards themself. It is pushed forward as an ideal so people wont work on the real issues in life. Love others!

    • Марина Ёлкина
      Марина Ёлкина Năm trước +1

      @Cheryl Thompson imo it's both, I see my strong sides and proud of them, but I can never truly believe others can feel good about me and it results in myself not believing I am of any worth, even though it's not a constant thought in my head, just something on the edge of mind.

  • Charlysteen Stevens
    Charlysteen Stevens Năm trước +76

    Two things we borderlines know for sure. One is that no one could love us because we're not worthy of it (we learned that right along with our ABCs and we use it daily just like we do our ABCs), and the second is that if anything is going wrong it is our fault. Everybody else is normal so if there are problems that means it must be us. We want to be overcomers so that we can be happy. We also want to be overcomers so that we don't have to feel guilty if we don't "overcome". Heck, we're flooded with movies and documentaries about people who overcame incredible obstacles. How dare we fail! Add to that we've got all the motivational stuff telling us that all we have to do is think positively. The power of positive thinking! Good grief.
    At the age of 71 I'm firmly convinced that the best way for us to heal is to tell the normal world with all their ridiculous judgements to go look in the mirror and apply all of their skills at making the person they see there a much better person.

    • Thisbee M
      Thisbee M Tháng trước

      @And Now You Know I get it. It isn't easy. You are right. Being forthright is better. Just not always easy and I can understand being hesitant to do it.

    • And Now You Know
      And Now You Know Tháng trước

      @Thisbee M I hope you realize that hiding it (even to a later time) is stepping within the boundaries of lying by omission. Franny is right, the baiting and switching will only bring harm and on top of that, will only ADD to the stigma.

    • Drake Smith
      Drake Smith 7 tháng trước

      @Franny I agree with you point of being honest, having it between friends, or partners, or family members is important or else you’ll always look like the emotion manifests like a bolt out of the blue. I think you’re right in saying that the other party has a right to know. That said, Thisbee brings a fair point up in saying associated stigma doesn’t do wonders for the person who is doing the admission. That said, stigma or not, there’s a responsibility required of the the person with the traits/diagnosee, that is to be a reasonable person. If you can control it to a fair degree, fine, don’t bring it up. But after the first one or two instances of yourself getting too out of hand you (speaking to those who have the disorder) are in the position where you should. Firstly, being honest at that point will at the least maybe allow you the opportunity to be understood whereas a normal person will only ever be seen as the owner of unreasonable expectations. Not to say you yourself won’t be viewed that way no matter how reasonably you present yourself, but hey, you’ve made your condition clear. If they care about you and can handle it, both being conditions that you’d like to be met, then that’s great. But I agree, there’s a right to know early enough on. Surprises of this nature are not things anyone wants. Good perspective.

    • Thisbee M
      Thisbee M 8 tháng trước +1

      @Franny While I agree about being upfront about difficulties, I am not sure usung that particular label is safe or helpful for individuals to reveal. It.csn cause severe problems considering the stigma.
      That said, being upfront about the target/troublesome behaviors is quite helpful for both parties; no matter what mental conditions exist.

    • Franny
      Franny 8 tháng trước +6

      I think people with bpd should just be upfront about that so people have fair warning and can then choose whether to engage or pass. The bait and switch thing is not gonna work because everybody doesn't have the desire AND skillset to deal with it because everybody has their stuff. Everybody is going through things. "Normal" doesn't mean that the crazy things people do don't affect us.

  • Geff Cassuto
    Geff Cassuto 3 năm trước +96

    This is me to a tee. I've run from almost every relationship for my whole life. I cannot seem to establish a grounded sense of security within myself which in turn causes me to run out of reaction to my uncontrolled anxiety in a relationship after ideation fades. It's happened every time I start to get close to someone. Relationships begin quickly and intensely and usually I end them around 6 months in. I go through short and long episodes of depression when I'm single, but only really when I'm in a relationship do I feel the worst. The fear of abandonment, self sabotage and low self worth. Feeling engulfed, paranoia, loss of identity, stress and always wondering if the other person is against me and suicidal thoughts. This has caused me the most stress in my life. I am in therapy, nothing about BPD has ever come up. My last relationship was the worst because I actually loved the person, but still couldn't handle it. Thank you for your insights.

    • James Graves
      James Graves 4 tháng trước

      Love to a bpd is often not a devotional true love. They never reach that level. That's what he meant. C'mon

    • RACSO 11
      RACSO 11 Năm trước

      wish you all tbe best !

    • Марина Ёлкина
      Марина Ёлкина Năm trước +2

      @S K how people do know they're in love? What kind of question is that really?

    • Jo Soffat
      Jo Soffat 2 năm trước +6

      @S K It's a fair question, the last person I "loved" was a very toxic relationship that ended 15 years ago and I never got over it. I'm stuck in the muid, I want her to be happy, and she is now. It just hurts that I couldn't make her happy because I didn't understand what was happening inside of me.

  • Taylor Rose
    Taylor Rose 2 năm trước +201

    i’m 15 & developing bpd according to my therapist. it’s hard trying to get ahead of it & healing from my trauma & rewiring my brain before it takes over my relationships. i’m hoping i can win the race. thank u for the video

    • anonimous
      anonimous 8 tháng trước +1

      You can do IT. Haptonomie, hollisticly. Surround youreself with loving people. Listen to Brian barnett , Dr Fox on VNclip. You can overcome this when you're Young! Save youreself and others from suffering, you can do IT. There are a lot of people than can really help you when you're Young.

    • kjkgood
      kjkgood 8 tháng trước +1

      work hard at it now. until you get self control established

    • Taylor Rose
      Taylor Rose 9 tháng trước

      @anonimous fast forward 2 years later I demolished the relationship I was in when I wrote that but! I consider myself extremely healed :) stay steadfast brother

    • anonimous
      anonimous 9 tháng trước +2

      I hope so too. It's so heartbreaking for the person that has BPD or and NPD and for partners. Ex partners. Get a trauma therapist. I wish my ex would have done that and got the right help. Before she massively destroyed my heart and traumatised me.

    • T
      T Năm trước

      Please keep it up while you are so young!!

  • Faith Evolution
    Faith Evolution 3 năm trước +55

    I've given up on love and attachment. The more time I spend with someone, the more critical, paranoid and anxious I become, and I want to flee. This goes back to my childhood and the abuse and neglect I grew up with. Having this knowledge is heartbreaking, but I'm glad to finally understand my BPD and limitations; obsessive, unstable, intense, passionate, fear of abandonment, plus everything else he mentioned. Yikes.

    • Bruce Wayne
      Bruce Wayne 19 ngày trước

      @Faith Evolution regarding my belongings, I told her to throw it away. She wanted to it leave it out for me in front of her building but I told her I don't go around there anymore. Then she asked "are you sure, it's money". I replied, " It's okay, I have money". Then she replied, "I have money, too". Ok then bye.
      So how am I a psychopath? (Serious question)

    • Rachelle D
      Rachelle D 19 ngày trước

      Agree. I have given up on relationships too. I live a reclusive life and try and make peace with the decision. Frankly life just burnt me out, living with BPD/NPD

    • Faith Evolution
      Faith Evolution 2 tháng trước

      @Bruce Wayne Yes, she can have several conflicting thoughts about you at the same time...and you should (WANT TO) get your belongings from her place. Your response is manipulative and controlling. She is right... you do have obvious psychopathic tendencies.

    • Bruce Wayne
      Bruce Wayne 2 tháng trước

      Hello. I want to ask you if someone with professionally diagnosed BDP could get so paranoid and delusional that all of a sudden, at the flip of a switch, when you two were just beginning to connect on a deep level, now they start to believe that you are a computer hacker, a thief and an undercover cop, all out to do them harm? Now they don't want me around them, they moved on quickly to a new guy, but still calls me to go get my belongings, which I declined.

    • Wendi
      Wendi 5 tháng trước

      I truly relate. During Covid I was so relieved I had to quarantine. We're you?

  • ngggggmjhb
    ngggggmjhb 3 năm trước +73

    When I meet someone I find attractive and they feel the same way about me I become totally infatuated and obsession begins I think about them continuously. I find it hard to eat, the obsession takes over my life, I think about what they’ve said to me analyse it try to understand the true meaning. Do they love me don’t they. I feel like I love them but I don’t I am crazily obsessed with them. I am incapable of controlling it, if they don’t text me all the time I think they don’t like me anymore, I’m broken crying and in pieces then when they message me I am ecstatic laughing music on loud full of energy heart racing this cycles continuously every day while I’m awake, then I can’t sleep properly because I can’t get them out my mind. It’s exhausting, every time I see them I have to have new clothes new underwear eyelashes done, makeup perfect, acrylic nails hair extensions in, if something isn’t quite right I feel sick like they won’t like me anymore, I have to seem like the most amazing girl in the world the perfect woman a porn star in the bedroom then the crazy shit starts I either suffocate them or start to destroy it in other ways being unfaithful drinking disappearing for days as I’m on a binge and my phone is lost then I’m dumped and inconsolable for weeks. If he for whatever reason puts up with it and tries to support me I become mean don’t message him back then one day wake up and don’t want him anymore and block him on everything and disappear saying nothing. I’m 55 and this has gone on for 40 years I haven’t had a proper relationship in 11 years and I think I’m better off alone now. I can’t inflict this pain on myself or anyone else anymore. Plus I will end up dead one day because when I’m dumped I take shitloads of Xanax and diazepam to numb myself. Is it like this for others?

    • Irene Edmonds
      Irene Edmonds 8 ngày trước

      I have an ONGOING cycle in my life that I been trying so hard to overcome. Trying to explain what it’s like in my brain when I’m constantly idolizing someone and then distrusting them in the next moment… it’s fucked up. It doesn’t feel right. I can’t tell what real love is anymore.

    • Wendi
      Wendi 5 tháng trước

      @Yinna Chillon you need a diagnosis from a good clinician or Dr. You can have both conditions. Dr. Phil has some really good podcasts on VNclip called Phil in the blank. Several on diagnosing BPD. You can listen to that. I wish you the very best. You can improve!!!! Best of luck.

    • Wendi
      Wendi 5 tháng trước

      What I relate to you about is, I write like you. It takes me many paragraphs to express all I'm thinking and feeling. I can't say just a few words about anything. My brain always has a lot swirling around needing expressed. I totally understand what you wrote! 💗

    • ngggggmjhb
      ngggggmjhb 6 tháng trước

      @Martin Major I am so sorry to hear that. I hope that you are managing to cope with the loss. I tried to end my life but I was literally brought back from the brink of death something I am glad of now. What happened to you and her is heartbreaking but there is very little that could have been done. Nothing could have been done to help me I was just found sooner than I had expected and taken to a hospital where there were some junior doctors determined not to let me die. I got fed up of inflicting pain on boyfriends albeit unintentionally. It is better for me to be alone for my own headspace and guys who could get into a relationship with me. Luckily I have family who adore me and understand me and I am now able to support them in their lives too as I am not preoccupied with boyfriends.

    • Martin Major
      Martin Major 7 tháng trước +1

      @Yinna Chillon You're certainly not bipolar. Maybe BPD or codependent. Codependent are very frightful to me. As mutch as BPD. See my previous comment, it's my story with someone who have BPD. From the perspective of the partner, it's draining and destructive. I happened to be in relationship with one woman who was like this and it will never happen again. It simply don't worth it. For me at least.

  • corneliastreet
    corneliastreet Năm trước +33

    People with BPD love harder and more intensely than other people. The negative emotions are definitely disproportionately overblown, but so are the positive ones. There is of course a difference between obsession and selfish loves, but even someone recovered from BPD knows what it is to love wholeheartedly

    • Irena Babovic
      Irena Babovic Tháng trước +2

      ​@Kathryn's World - Wildfire Trackingthis is more narcissist, BPD dump, but they feel horrible about that and don't switch the love easy. They do it because they can't stand the abandonment issues they have during the relationship

    • Sarah Alderman
      Sarah Alderman 2 tháng trước

      @Kathryn's World - Wildfire Tracking I would question whether it is really on a “dime” or the result of years and years lf issues that have only now been recognized by thee spouse.

    • NoName
      NoName 11 tháng trước +3

      @Kathryn's World - Wildfire Tracking yup it is not love at all.

    • Kathryn's World - Wildfire Tracking
      Kathryn's World - Wildfire Tracking Năm trước +3

      That seems true, but...how do you explain the way they can "dump" those they "love?"
      They can love someone 20+ years - then stop caring about them - on a dime. Like - after an agument.
      How on earth could someone who truly loved another - do that? The answer - it wasn't love...

    • Tarren Mari
      Tarren Mari Năm trước +4


  • Anja Wutz
    Anja Wutz 3 năm trước +72

    I had severe (all 9 symptom criteria) BPD when I was younger (residential treatment, multiple inpatient stays, outpatient treatment), but I am now 24 and free of all external/impulsive behavior symptoms, although the symptoms of affect dysregulation have persisted. I have been in a long-term relationship that is fairly stable. However, this relationship most closely mimics the one you mentioned as "companionate" love, as both commitment and intimacy are present, while passion has always been lacking, even from the beginning. I realize this may be an issue, but as somebody with BPD, I actually prefer the lack of passion, as such intensity can often lead to my symptoms worsening (splitting, irrational anger, paranoia, impulsivity etc). I feel that having the components of intimacy and commitment, but not passion, are the biggest key to maintaining a stable romantic partnership that is healthy for me, personally. I just thought I would mention this, as you stated in your video that this type of love is observed uncommonly with BPD.

    • C Sc
      C Sc Tháng trước

      To me it sounds like you have a good relationship. You could spice up the passion part. I think we get used to chaos & when it's quite we get uneasy.

    • Hey There
      Hey There 6 tháng trước

      Can someone who has bpd make amends with someone from their past that they treated badly but that person ended up giving them the meanness back via texts?
      I never had an issue with the person face to face but eventually gave all their disparaging moments back via messages .
      She was undiagnosed and rather confident about her moods unfortunately. I wonder if it’s possible for them to look back and remember properly and want to make amends . I still have strong feelings for her actually. She never wanted to talk about how she acted and always said she didn’t remember some things . I thought she was doing it on purpose at the end . She. Never apologized for anything .infsvt she had a narc double down on all of her behaviors and essentially worsened our miscommunication ALOT and pretended to be her hero .
      I think he kept her in the dark of her issue fully. It benefits him. I was clearing the confusion with her patiently for over a year . I was always willing to take the hit bc I loved her but that guy really ruined a lot of progress and encouraged her immature and misguided moments .
      I’d like to make amends but idk How she will process it or if she can even have the patience to believe anything I say. The narc convinced her I was a narc actually .

    • nicole tribolet
      nicole tribolet 7 tháng trước +1

      It sounds like your situation is not be what comes naturally to someone with BPD but is born from experience. Your need to avoid triggering the difficult experiences of your past has changed your trajectory. Thank you for your insight

    • Diego Crespo
      Diego Crespo 7 tháng trước

      Wow. This is interesting to read. Not sure how it's going to work our for you, but I definitely see the reasoning behind it. I’d love to read any update if possible. Good luck! @anja wutz

    • Madison Edwards
      Madison Edwards Năm trước +5

      I am just like you. 23, I have all the love minus the passion. Formally diagnosed with BPD. This is the most stable and loving relationship I’ve had. 7 years. Passion is difficult because often your partner desires it more than you do but I rather compromise and be happy 92% of the time rather than be in a relationship that has passion and commitment and be happy 20% of the time

  • HanFei
    HanFei 5 tháng trước +3

    I cried at the final answer. It broke me.
    Thank you, I eventually made my first counselling appointment with a real provider.

  • Carsono5
    Carsono5 3 năm trước +49

    I hadn't heard of the triangular theory of love before. It may help to untangle some of the complexity we feel in love because components can be named and conceptualized. Very interesting paradigm.

  • Marie AN
    Marie AN 3 năm trước +39

    Thank you for your video.
    I have BPD and I have experienced happy and rich romantic relationships, however yeah, self-love is THE problem, at least in my case, I constantly feel like I'm not good enough so I end up spending a lot of time on my image, pleasing others and seeking for excellence in everything I do (this one is a "good" thing but I get frustrated if I fail at something and I end up feelins useless and empty if the results aren't good enough).

  • Clea
    Clea 2 năm trước +22

    I have BPD and PTSD, and have grown out of the identity issues I had when I was younger, so maybe it's different for others with BPD, but after years of therapy, DBT, staying single after an abusive relationship for years and healing...I can say that I love myself and maybe more importantly I accept myself, what has happened and how it changed me permanently. It's not a 💯 percent of the time thing, but probably many people can say that. I respectfully disagree with that we can't find self-love. It's not impossible, just harder.
    Really enjoyed the rest of the video though. Glad you popped up in my feed... have watched a few already and I appreciate your insights.

    • oWMatt
      oWMatt 3 tháng trước

      I know 2 people with BPD who had abused their partners, all of them as far as I know. Ofcourse they were abused aswell in their toxic relationships. What I find interesting is that not even once I heard them say they were also the abusers, toxic or anything like that. They could also be very nice, sweet, emotional, over-empathic etc. Just some thoughts here...
      I'm glad that you're doing better. Do you feel safe in serious, lovong relationship? Do you still have the feeling of emptiness?

    • ThunderDomeBoxingTalk
      ThunderDomeBoxingTalk 2 năm trước +2

      "I have BPD and PTSD" I will guarantee that you were the abusive one. Nice try playing the victim. GTFOH

  • sehablablahblah
    sehablablahblah 2 năm trước +15

    I have BPD and this video helped clarify my past relationships and how they failed in a way no other person, book, or channel has. Thank you for taking the time to explain this topic in detail.

  • Terminator
    Terminator 2 năm trước +45

    I lost my Gf of 2 years to this hideous disease. Docs nailed it on the head what I experienced.The devaluation/hate/anger phase is horrifying to watch you can’t stop it and it can Frighten a grown man to see a love one turn into someone els.

    • Ravendoll
      Ravendoll 9 tháng trước

      Bpd is genetic

    • Ravendoll
      Ravendoll 9 tháng trước

      You're kidding, right?

    • John Richardson
      John Richardson 2 năm trước

      It was only almost a year for me, but otherwise...same.

  • greylizard
    greylizard 8 tháng trước +14

    I have BPD. I was in a relationship for 11 years, it started out very loving, very sweet, plenty of sex, lots of time spent together, but over time my partner and I really started to clash. We had a lot of trouble sleeping in the same bed due to different comfort issues. He would sleep most of the day away and be up all night and would leave many responsibilities for me to deal with. If I wanted to be around him I had to stay up all night too. I felt like a lot of it had to do with us living in my parent's basement, so I found us a different place to live and thought that would help him be more comfortable but he still seemed to distance himself from me and everyone else, as well as from responsibilities. I loved him very much. I wasn't good either, I could be extremely moody and sensitive, with huge blowups. Also because of insensitive things he would say, I felt that it was hypocritical of me to ask for help with household responsibilities since I was just as messy, and this pushed us even further apart.
    Out of nowhere, once we had been living on our own for a while, I started to see a positive change in his behavior, he got a job and was interested in losing weight and exercise. But all of this change was all to benefit himself, which is great but I still wanted help with responsibilities. I felt extremely lonely and abandoned, I didn't like where things were going and so I had a talk with him and said that if we continued on that path, I saw us cheating on eachother. I was so paranoid that he was just going to leave me when he met someone better. We worked on our relationship for a year, and it eventually went back to how it was before so I ended the relationship.
    A year or so later, he was finally diagnosed with high functioning autism and ADHD. This is why we clashed so much, I needed a lot more than he could give comfortably. This explains why he never was interested in being responsible and doing things to help me if he wasn't asked specifically and very gently. Autism also means that he didn't have natural empathy for my situation. He was a very caring person in many ways but never understood how he was hurting me by focusing solely on his own needs being met. It also explains why he had such extreme anxiety around being around people, including me. He was very unhappy in the relationship too, but since I kind of began to see that he wasn't interested in being around me much, I gave up hope and didn't bother him anymore, so he was content to just stay in the relationship because I wasn't very demanding. My BPD outbreaks must have caused so much extra anxiety in him. It was an incredibly complicated situation all around, but since we have both been diagnosed at least I can look back on why things went so poorly.
    I don't want to be hurtful to anyone, I actually am quite empathetic and whenever I have a huge outburst I feel absolutely terrible afterwards and do my best to repair any hurt I caused. It is exhausting at times for my friends and family, but I get better all the time and learn to just freeze in the moment when I feel really upset and do CBT in my mind. Sadly, some people think that this is me being moody and oversensitive, but it's actually incredibly hard work to hold the painful thoughts in and not blow up or start crying while I work through them. It is so important to work on my mental health issues because I don't want to be controlling or have people have to walk on eggshells around me. I want the people in my life to be happy and feel free to do what is good for them, even if it bothers me. Dr. Ramani has a video on her channel that talks about different types of BPD, which I feel like I have alternated between in all different parts of my life, but for the most part I do tend to lean towards wanting outcomes in which everyone can be as happy as possible, not just myself.
    I also feel that people with BPD are particularly vulnerable to narcissistic relationships because of the love bombing stage that narcissists start out the relationships with, that appeal to people with BPD who dream about a relationship coming along that are full of passion and excitement. I have been in many narcissistic relationships. I would be so happy to just be in a healthy relationship that is dependable. I learned the hard way that true love isn't flashy and exciting. It doesn't look like someone being obsessed with you and excessive time spent together. It takes effort, empathy, compromise and honest communication from both sides.

  • John Blanckenberg
    John Blanckenberg 3 năm trước +297

    Probably the most intellectually satisfying description of love I've heard.

    • B10401
      B10401 Năm trước

      @Cheryl Thompson It maybe didn't let my comment with the link go through.
      Just search "the four loves CS Lewis Audiobook" and it will be plenty of places online like audible

    • Cheryl Thompson
      Cheryl Thompson Năm trước

      @B10401 I love CS Lewis. Where would I go about finding this?

    • B10401
      B10401 Năm trước +2

      The Four Loves by C S Lewis takes the cake for me. You can listen to the renowned scholar read it himself.

    • Jennifer H
      Jennifer H Năm trước +3

      Yeah, Dr Grande is very good about giving scientific breakdowns as he promises at the start of each video, and I must say I like that he's always so dispassionate but with subtle bits of humor thrown in to lighten things up. As far as love is concerned, though, I would have thought that "love" goes much further than just romantic or sexual love. You would think it is also what you feel for a child or a parent, or even for humanity at large, for nature, etc. The golden thread that runs through all kinds of love, I would say, is a deep caring for the object of the love, and the preparedness to sacrifice towards the well-being or continued existence of the object of one's love.

    • Cheryl Thompson
      Cheryl Thompson Năm trước

      @CicelMeMyselfAndI true

  • Jo Soffat
    Jo Soffat 2 năm trước +73

    I have never loved myself, I always felt when I told someone I loved them I was lying to myself. I wanted to love them but I don't know what real love is. I had desires and hoped that those people would fill that desire but it's just an endless void, nothing can fill it (without treatment). There is no love without trust, trust Is hard for me. I see now that I get stuck in infatuated love.

    • James Graves
      James Graves 4 tháng trước

      Thank you for sharing. As partners of BPD sufferers we see that. Once we get to a certain point in the relationship we realize the growth has stopped. The walls are up and the love is nothing more than an urge or impulse of the BPD. The things said in the infatuation stage are forgotten and then come the negative things they say. You're left questioning reality. I am very sad because I know I was nothing more than a character in love for her. I was playing a part that can literally be played by anyone. She'll always idealize someone else and repeat the cycle over and over

    • Patrick Cocciardi
      Patrick Cocciardi 9 tháng trước

      This is exactly how I feel!! My GF tells me that I have to Love myself first!! I try , but I don’t feel it? I give her all of my love

    • Real Man
      Real Man 10 tháng trước

      Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case

    • Mdumiseni Nsibande
      Mdumiseni Nsibande Năm trước +2

      Same here.

  • M
    M 2 năm trước +10

    I believe my mother has BPD. The love hate rings true for me when dealing with my mother. As a child, she only said she loved me once, after I was hospitalized with an illness. In high school, all my friends would tell me that there was something not quite right with my mom, but my dad was ok.
    It was difficult as a child and adult to cultivate and keep good self esteem as it's never known what will set my mom off and she devalues you and tells others all around her that you're to be devalued.
    It's stressful and leads me to sometimes not having any contact with my mom for long stretches.
    Wondering if you have a video about BPD or bi polar parent or parents?

    • Vladimir Erfan
      Vladimir Erfan Năm trước +1

      Same situation here. Also an alcoholic father with low frustration tolerance.

  • yournewpenpal
    yournewpenpal 3 năm trước +43

    Building up self love/esteem is so challenging as a Borderline. I find that I can be needy in intimate relationships because the other person's love for me seems more stable than my own. It really sucks 😒.

    • Talen
      Talen Năm trước +3

      don't enter interpersonal relationships and make others suffer. it's not their burden.

    • Patricia
      Patricia 2 năm trước +1

      I know the feeling !!!

    • manda pi
      manda pi 3 năm trước +5

      The simple, straightforward way in which you describe this really resonated with me. I know the feeling all too well, but I'd have been hard pressed to put it into words. Thank you. 💚

  • Fluxpistol
    Fluxpistol 3 năm trước +53

    Amazing work doc. You always manage to pack so much intricate detail into such a short time frame.

  • L
    L 3 năm trước +18

    Your videos are extremely helpful. Especially to us studying psychology in graduate school. I appreciate what you’re doing on this platform sharing knowledge. Keep the videos coming.

  • G. Leon
    G. Leon 8 tháng trước +8

    The relationship with him was a love bomb from the start. Then came devalue and discard with ghosting even though he was 50 years old at the time. It felt like I was with someone with the emotional health of a 5 year old.

    • Fadel Abdussabil
      Fadel Abdussabil 5 tháng trước +1

      My ex gf did this too. Her love bombing and suddenly went off. I didn't know what to do

  • Crawford Dynasty
    Crawford Dynasty 3 năm trước +16

    Can people with a personality disorder love themselves? As person who feels empty, broken and clingy YES!! but it will be VERY CONDITIONAL. Think about a person who can hardly take some "me time" for themselves, someone who is driven to achieve and be independent because their life truly depends on it. Think about a person telling themselves yes I will love you but only if you can make me very proud.....if not...well ..we don't ever want to tread there. It's like the song "Samurai" by "Enigma" and there is no cure.

    • James Graves
      James Graves 4 tháng trước

      This is really true. My bpd gf was so busy she did not have time for me. At all. Outside of idealisation phase I was a fixture. When I asked for any acknowledgement it was a slight to her and I was devalued. She said at the end I was saying she was a bad partner. I'm like, how on earth could you have thought you'd been good. In the final argument before discard I was smiling because I was looking at the situation for how ridiculous it had become and she seemingly did not care and did not see it as it was. I bent over backwards for her. Truly. I have so many scars to mend. Thank you for your comment. It makes total sense to what I witnessed

  • Cmac13
    Cmac13 Năm trước +4

    So grateful for these breakdowns. Your delivery is so matter of fact and information-focused, it’s actually comforting to just listen and ascertain the message/takeaway. Thank you for providing these much-needed resources.

  • Elisabeth Charriez
    Elisabeth Charriez Năm trước +5

    As a person with BPD for as long as my memory allows me to look back, 40 yesrs+/-, you nailed it here.
    I listened a second time, taking notes. In my small notebook I carry, I have 7 pages of notes! (8.5×5.5).
    Thank you, thank you. I am not at all able to explain this to my friends/family. I certainly LIVE it, FEEL it. Now, I simply can share my notes. Hopefully this may lesson my current rate of relationship exodus currently experiencing. Please, do not ever leave us.

    • Real Man
      Real Man 10 tháng trước

      After coming to this age , do you regret about your past relationship what you destroyed not understanding that you had BPD ? i heard people with bpd can understand only they cross 40 !

  • Valerie McKnight
    Valerie McKnight 2 năm trước +3

    This is one of your best videos - it explains everything that went wrong with my partner's first marriage to a BPD sufferer. They went through the too quick commitment and passion phases, then back and forth through the committed/fatuous love throughout the 30 years of their marriage. Throughout it all he was her enabler, but it finally collapsed into an empty relationship because of her refusal to get therapy, at which point she abruptly sued for divorce with no warning. Five years on we finally had to block her email and phone numbers as she was still harassing him. Thank you for presenting this so clearly, it helps in understanding her immaturity, addictive behaviour, and instability.

  • An Meme
    An Meme Năm trước +3

    My relationship with my BPD ex was intense, started quickly, lasted a long time, and ended in a storm. I really think, subconsciously, I strung her along because I was afraid I'd never find something like that again. I'm not proud of what I did, and I hope she's working on herself.

  • Bobbi Van Eman
    Bobbi Van Eman 2 năm trước +10

    Dr. Grande, you are highly intelligent & educated. I am extremely impressed with your knowledge & wisdom of the many disorders & psychological topics which you explain very aptly, succinctly & articulately. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with those of us eager to learn about ourselves & others. God bless you for caring about us. 🕊

  • Jamie Gallea
    Jamie Gallea 9 tháng trước +1

    Thank you so much for this video.
    I was diagnosed with BPD and ptsd last year. Having a name put to what I had been noticing about myself for years was like a breath of fresh air. It explained so much. Your descriptions are right on the nose for me, unfortunately.
    That said, I have this huge worry that, although I love being alone, I'll end up alone for the rest of my life because I can never seem to keep the passion of a relationship going. And that's 100% what I need for it to feel real to me. All it takes for me to jump ship is one little thing (real or imagined... could be either) that triggers my fear or just turns me off of the person, and then it's like I never liked them at all. I can forget about them for years.
    Also, my very first relationship was 17 years of abusive hell. I found myself trapped from the age of 18 through until i was 35, and I feel it further damaged my ability to have a chill and comfortable kind of love with anyone. My ex took advantage of my insecurities early on and used them all against me for years. I think he kind of twisted my perception of how love should feel. I finally left 7 years ago, but I still can't seem to get my head right... it's hard to trust myself, let alone love myself.
    So besides having my BPD problem, I'm afraid that everyone I get involved with is a covert narcissist that will end up trying to destroy me like my ex did. This fear keeps me from trying to meet new people, it keeps me from wanting to forge new friendships, it distances me from current relationships. I don't know if I could handle the emotional and mental abuse again, and I can't trust that I'll notice it before I'm totally invested in it. I'm a work in progress... but the progress is at a plateau I think. I'm also afraid of people expecting anything from me emotionally. I feel like I'm not capable of giving someone the kind of love they deserve. Like it isn't real when I do feel it (even though it feels really real to me at the time) so how would it be fair to give someone an empty shell of love.
    I'm concerned lately with people demonizing BPD. Since the jd and ah trial, I see many people talking about how horrible people with BPD are... like this diagnosis makes us all heartless and unfeeling monsters. Which isn't the case at all for me. (If anything, i feel everything too strongly. My ability to empathize and sympathize are all too real). I feel these people are also combining the traits of HPD and BPD and assuming that we all act out in exaggerated ways (which couldn't be further from the truth...i avoid all conflicts at all costs). It's got me afraid to be honest about my diagnosis out of fear that any new people I meet will assume that I'll get into some extreme behaviors or try to fight with them. It doesn't help that I fall hard and fast, which is off-putting for people, but that in combination with preconceptions about BPD makes me feel like there's no hope for me to find a healthy relationship in the future.
    I don't know how common this is, but I don't outwardly show my fear of abandonment. I just try not to do anything that will lead to someone wanting to leave me. I keep all of my thoughts to myself, even when my thoughts are wrought with fear that I'm not important to the person and that they're thinking bad things of me. And if they do want to leave, I don't say a word. I just let them go, though it kills me. It's a constant internal struggle. I need to be constantly verbally reminded that I'm loved and important to the person. Otherwise I quickly start thinking the worst and start feeling the rejection... and this is for no real reason. Just my head and the constant worry that it's inevitably coming.
    I feel like I just wrote a TMI letter here, which is pretty typical of me haha
    I've said all of this because I truly hope that my comment can be informative or maybe helpful to anyone that is perhaps here looking for information about someone in their life, and what that person may be experiencing with their own BPD diagnosis
    Just know that we're not all bad people... it's the same as with any human. Some are bad. Some are good.

  • Steve Martin
    Steve Martin Năm trước +11

    My long distance partner discarded me for issues of controlling her sexual impulses but refusing to talk about it. She cut me off and gave me short, hurtful messages amidst weeks of silent treatment but told me how much I deserved better. Within six weeks she publicly posted about how much she loved someone she was growing ever closer to online throughout this year, something I was afraid of happening. Videos like this bring back pain but help me understand their attachment style - thanks for this.

    • Steve Martin
      Steve Martin 6 tháng trước

      @Harrison Frost Thanks. I'm sorry to hear the same; stay strong.

    • Harrison Frost
      Harrison Frost 6 tháng trước

      Jesus I’m sorry you went through this. Being devalued and discarded via triangulation and silent treatment is one of the most cruel ways for it to go down. I experienced the same and it breaks you.

    • Real Man
      Real Man 10 tháng trước +1

      Any person with BPD can lie with their boyfriend or husband ? or move away from any relationship they will be involved with a new relationship not to feel abandoned or alone? I also feel guilty that because of my arguments she move away but the arguments were very normal! her point was to make me feel guilty. because of my fault she is leaving I after my research with BPD I don't think so this is the case

  • ninaxwings
    ninaxwings 10 tháng trước +2

    Thank you for making this. I’m borderline and then some. I figured out that romantic relationships weren’t for me early on. I thought sisterhood could be enough for me and I wouldn’t need anyone. I grew very attached to my aunt and my life improved in ways I never imagined. Then she died and now I’m just empty. Having someone explain why helps a little.

  • gypsy 1999
    gypsy 1999 3 năm trước +22

    I used to think that I was literally unable to truly love anyone. I often wonder what even truly defines love. Because growing up, people just threw that word around and it meant nothing. And if that’s what ‘love’ was, love was synonymous with pain and sadism. So far, in every relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve been *in lust* but not in love with my partner. But I felt like I loved them at the time. I’m not so sure anymore, looking back at it. I know I’m capable of love but I just don’t know how to differentiate it with lust, or a petty crush. Every time I think I love someone, it turns out to just be the love bombing stage. One day I think I’ll find out how love truly feels.

    • E S
      E S 8 tháng trước

      The Greeks identified the different types of love.
      Agape -- love governed/guided by principle which may include affection but is an unselfish emotion concerned with doing good to others regardless of the merits of the recipient or any benefits accruing to the giver
      Storge -- love amongst family members
      Philia -- affection between friends (no sexual overtones)
      Eros -- Romantic/Sexual love
      If two people start out as friends and have the (philia) love that's great. The friends affection may change over time and they become romantically attracted and involved and thus have ( Eros) love between them. They should also cultivate ( agape) love because at the times when they aren't feeling so romantic the ( agape) love will be the glue to hold everything together because it's based on unselfish love for the other person. You'll do what's right by them, not what's in your best interests. And if you get married then you become a family unit and you have the ( storge) love/ tender affection that should be in a family.

    • Grace
      Grace 2 năm trước

      Me 3

    • Andreas Leon Landgren
      Andreas Leon Landgren 3 năm trước

      gypsy 1999 me 2

  • jimbo711
    jimbo711 3 năm trước +4

    Truly one of the most helpful videos I've watched from you Dr. Grande. Thank you so much for your generosity to share the wealth of knowledge you've attained. I learn a lot from you and I want you to know, as an individual being diagnosed with many different things in my life leading up to one with Cluster B traits & adjustment disorder, that I feel so much more understood & less alone because of your loving videos. I respect you and admire your willing Spirit to help. Thanks!

  • 2.71828 1.41421
    2.71828 1.41421 2 năm trước +1

    It's interesting to see things laid out like this. Makes things make a little more sense lol
    Was diagnosed with BPD at 19 and somehow I've fallen into a pattern of avoiding romantic relationships or breaking them off under some pretext.
    Being honest with the other person and respecting their boundaries helped a lot, however sometimes I got so focused on their boundaries that I forgot about my own. So when the other person asked for more than I was comfortable, I'd spiral and make up an excuse to get away. Guess I'd rather leave than do something or be someone I can't take back. It's also easier than constantly confronting the disorder and dragging someone else along for the ride xD
    Oddly enough, someone leaving was always a lot less of a trigger than someone being deceptive or closed off. Maybe it's because I'm a hermit or because it's easier to rationalize that behavior xD

  • Katie G
    Katie G 28 ngày trước

    This video is profound and hits deeper than probably any other video I've watched about BPD.

  • Jan's Views
    Jan's Views 3 năm trước +11

    This was such an insightful video and one that I can totally relate to. Thank you so much for your easily comprehensible videos.

  • Low Vision Life
    Low Vision Life 11 tháng trước +1

    I've found the identity disruption to be possibly an even bigger driver for me than fear of abandonment over the years. Will tie myself in however many knots I need to keep a relationship together. Put a lot of effort into grounding my identity in a fulfilling career, being a wife and daughter, working in my art studio with plans to try out for design teams to get my productivity going. Now am divorced, have gone no contact with my parents, no longer able to work, and transitioning to being visually impaired. Have never hated my existence and life so much.

  • N. C.
    N. C. 3 năm trước +6

    Thank you so much 💜 I recognize a lot of traits in myself 😢 I am not diagnosed, but I believe have a big issue when it comes to romantic relationships...to the point where when I like someone I run in the opposite direction because I don't want to hurt them. Jealousy, fear, the unknown future, and thinking I can be happy only under certain circumstances...as if with someone else I could express the real me...but then I end up sacrificing all my life for the other person, whom I start hating as a result... Is there a way to get better at relationships?

    • Sian Evans
      Sian Evans Năm trước +1

      Keep having relationships. Lean into the discomfort but also listen to yourself if it really doesn’t feel
      Compatible. Trust you’ll be okay when ripping the band aide off to break up if it’s not actually working. Always have a therapist. There is so much growth from every experience in relationship, and even more gold inside the breakup of knowing yourself and really feeling your feelings, but allowing hurt to be okay, and normal, knowing it will pass.

    • MOST The Games
      MOST The Games 2 năm trước

      Bloody hell, me too 🙄

    • Weed Lady98
      Weed Lady98 2 năm trước +1

      She are me too

    • Six LaCroix
      Six LaCroix 2 năm trước +2

      Are you me? It's so hard....

  • Cleone
    Cleone 2 năm trước +14

    I feel like if I can ever get to a place of loving myself, I can feel stability in my relationship. I am working on healing to get to that point. I have moments where I feel the stability but I question it and the spiral begins. It's like constantly be haunted by a ghost that is made entirely by myself.

  • 🖤LostGirl🖤
    🖤LostGirl🖤 7 tháng trước +1

    I was recently diagnosed with BPD. (I was also diagnosed with some other things too). Everything you talked about is things I’ve experienced in my life. For me I can’t do any of those relationship types except the ones that are intimate only (friendship) and passion only (physical relationship). Everything else triggers me. I either get bored or my abandonment issues take hold and I end up destroying the relationship. Thankfully I start DBT this week. I’m hoping to get a better handle on my BPD. I’m 39 and BPD has just completely wrecked havoc on my life. I’d like to get to a point where I’m more stable and able to build a life for myself. I’m hopeful though. Thank you for this video. It helped me understand things more clearly.

  • The Wizard of Radical Self-Respect

    And that makes perfect sense how the passionate love helps with identity disturbance. Explains a lot for me. And yes unless there is the sexual/passionate element, it does not feel close enough to me or real

  • Olivia Nicoloff
    Olivia Nicoloff 3 năm trước +28

    Thank you so much for this. You must be watching over me or something (i wish lol dr G save me from myself plzzzzzz) because my psychologist and i were discussing stuff along these lines in session last night. There is no greater task than accepting that i don’t deserve to punish myself. Caring as much as i do about others doesn’t mean that i am able to fathom not hating the ‘bad’ i perceive myself to be. When you get used to pain you learn to seek it out. Sending big hugs to all the other bpd survivors out there, it’s not fair that everything hurts the way it does. It’s exhausting fighting this fight but we have to...there IS life beyond suffering we just have to work a lil harder to find it

    • Taylor Rose
      Taylor Rose 2 năm trước +3

      thank you 🥺 this made me feel less alone & hopeful

  • Theory Force
    Theory Force 10 tháng trước +2

    I just want to say thank you! I just went like "aaaaaaha" with the mention of partner stringing along the BPD person on promise of commitment. I don't have BPD but a guy who previously dated a woman with either BPD or PTSD tried to pull that off with me. Now I know what he was going for!

  • Ryan
    Ryan Năm trước +1

    I'm 39 and have BPD diagnosed around 15 years old. It's not often there's a video put out that's factually correct but for me it's like you just described the last 30 yeas of my life. Everything you say and the way you discribe it is spot on... absolutely correct. And no I don't love myself and I don't think this is possible eather. The daly struggle is to much for this to be possible.

  • pocoeagle2
    pocoeagle2 3 năm trước +16

    Question; after watching the videos about NPD and BPD where you talk also about the possibility of self-love; I'm wondering if self-love is a problem (or at least a challenge) for all the ten personality disorders?
    Maybe a topic for another video?
    Have a good Thursday Dr. Grande 😃🇳🇱

  • Boombity Bipz
    Boombity Bipz 7 tháng trước +1

    after watching this, while difficult, i am realizing how messed up i am. however, on a positive note, i'm going to radically accept that i'm distracting, i love your delivery and i thank you for dropping your knowledge and experience to us. i'm BPD and just understanding what that means. your humor is intelligently delivered and great to hear. knowing that others have this fear of abandonment at the very core is such a relief. i thought i was alone in this, truly. that no one else could understand the depth of this feeling. well, i see this now and it helps a LOT. i find vulnerability to be a trigger and a stressor.

  • laromitchell
    laromitchell 4 tháng trước +1

    Love REQUIRES TRUST 🤷🏾‍♀️ TRUST is the foundation of love. If an individual don't TRUST you, they DON'T LOVE you.

  • barry tom
    barry tom 7 tháng trước

    I feel both seen and attacked after this video but after my last relationship I can clearly see a lot of these patterns within myself

  • Gus
    Gus 3 năm trước +14

    I have a question (maybe a good idea for a video response): What are the early telltale signs of a BPD when we first meet them so we can run away before getting hurt?
    Summary of my story: I was dating a girl who i believe was a covert BPD, she behaved like she was my ideal woman during the first couple months of the relationship, and everything was perfect in bed and outside of bed. On our 4th month, we had a small argument on a Friday night at home (small argument, bur recurring), she left my apartment right away, opened tinder and had sex with the very first stranger she could take her (at 7am). I got to see her coming back home with all her makeup moved around and a huge bitemark on her neck. I got totally traumatized and realized this cannot be the person i fell in love with (who would never do something like that). Upon further investigation, later i found out a lot of things consistent with BPD, which she had hidden all this time, she had an alcoholic mother (traumatic childhood), she had suicide attempts in her teen years, impulsive behavior, self harm, even bulimia during her teen years. And more importantly, she was seeing other guys during our whole relationship, while behaving like an angel infront of me (this is why i say covert bdp). Hence the original question: Are there any telltale signs we can look to discover someone with BPD early in the relationship and run away before getting hurt or traumatized?. I never want to go through something like this again.

    • Martin Major
      Martin Major 7 tháng trước

      The only thing I can tell you: RUN, AND RUN FAST, DON'T LOOK BEHIND!!! Theses aren't worth the time and efforts and NO they can't love anybody. They aren't able to love themselves so that's a big giveaway.

    • nettie a
      nettie a 9 tháng trước

      Horrible that u went through that. She sounds like she is very unstable.

    • Purg
      Purg 10 tháng trước +3

      @Master Jay Dude you absolutely dismantled that behavior right there, I wish you could just teleport into the room whenever somebody had a problem with being manipulated

    • Master Jay
      Master Jay Năm trước +2

      @Hulkovius Absolutely, I do agree. Thanks for your kind words and for pointing that out.

    • Hulkovius
      Hulkovius Năm trước +6

      @Master Jay So excellently and eloquently put. Thank you. While I know people don't choose what we're born with, it doesn't change the fact that some can completely ruin and break other people. If this was a video about narcissistics or psychopaths, you'd see everyone in the comment section asking for red flags. The people on the receiving end of this abuse deserve some recognition and respect too.

  • Jennifer H
    Jennifer H Năm trước +3

    I would have thought that "love" goes much further than just romantic or sexual love. You would think it is also what you feel for a child or a parent, or even for humanity at large, for nature, etc. The golden thread that runs through all kinds of love, I would say, is a deep caring for the object of the love, and the preparedness to sacrifice towards the well-being or continued existence of the object of one's love.

    • E S
      E S 8 tháng trước +1

      @Vladimir Erfan Exactly! The Greeks identified the different types of love.
      Agape -- love governed/guided by principle which may include affection, but is an unselfish emotion concerned with doing good to others regardless of the merits of the recipient or of any benefits accruing to the giver
      Storge -- love amongst family members
      Philia -- affection between friends (no sexual overtones)
      Eros -- Romantic/sexual love

    • Vladimir Erfan
      Vladimir Erfan Năm trước +2

      That’s why ancient greeks had many types of love.

  • Maddie
    Maddie 6 tháng trước +1

    I was diagnosed with BPD this year. It’s hard but understanding myself better helps me be kinder to myself. I hope to truly love myself one day ❤

  • Vivien Leigh
    Vivien Leigh 3 năm trước +8

    Thank you for talking about issues like this with such respect. When I saw the title, I immediately felt my guard rising "Ok, here we go again", but no. Thanks!

  • A L
    A L Năm trước +3

    It is interesting because I have some borderline traits and I get really (too) attached to certain people to the extent that I feel like I am in love with them. I am not even sure now if I really was/am. I have a lot of infatuations and fall hard.. I seem to need the drama and intensity it brings.

  • Felicity Caroline Pringle
    Felicity Caroline Pringle Năm trước +1

    I am watching this over and over to truly understand and absorb all of the qualities
    Dr Grande is incredibly informative and truly gives us all the definitions of love!
    My ex put me thru all of these .... short term quick commitment intimacy

  • Mystic May
    Mystic May 2 năm trước +31

    I have BPD and I have been in a relationship for 14 years, companion love with moments of passion. However we met and married 26 days later. We are still together.

    • Visionaire
      Visionaire 2 năm trước

      @Mystic May Are you self aware because of treatment you are receiving for borderline?

    • Evan C.
      Evan C. 2 năm trước +5

      That’s amazing. I’ve been married to my wife for nearly two years and can’t imagine spending one more day with her much less 12 more. BPD exposure is real.

  • April
    April 3 năm trước +6

    You explained it perfectly.. Would love for you to add tools needed for both bpd and bpd partners to help get over hurdles. Symptoms do diminish and become more managagable with therapy. Thank you!

  • Half Rutter
    Half Rutter 3 năm trước +2

    Thank you for another interesting and informative video, Dr. Grande. Your explanation of this complicated disorder helped me feel like I truly understand BPD, and how it affects relationships.

  • Rachel_Tries_Hard
    Rachel_Tries_Hard 2 năm trước +2

    This was really enlightening. I wonder, does fatuous love differ from what we would call lust? Or can there be passionate love without a sexual element?

  • JuneyTooLooney 216
    JuneyTooLooney 216 3 năm trước +37

    When I'm just looking to have sex, it's usually the passion/infatuation love. But my one and only relationship was more of the fatuous love. I met her on fb, I made her day like she made mine. Within 3 months we lived together, n passion kept the commitment going for 3yrs. But the intimacy didnt exist. And even though I just found out I could never truly love completely, I have a new understanding of my ways. So I'm thankful.

  • Ophelianchor
    Ophelianchor 3 năm trước +6

    I love the quality and consistency of these videos. Have you written a book? Do you plan to? Do you have any thoughts or experiences with misophonia?

  • Lynette Deschenes
    Lynette Deschenes 8 tháng trước +1

    Fatuous love...🤔🧐I have learned so much about myself in the last few days watching your videos Dr. Grande. Thank you for helping me arrange intellectually why I am the way I am. I will continue to watch and hopefully grow from all your educated wisdom...subscribed 💜👼

  • Pie K
    Pie K Năm trước +8

    You had me a couple of seconds in Dr Grande when you said “yes” 😍 thank you. As someone with BPD I can say without a shadow of a doubt, I can love, the purest truest love for my niece and sister, for my mother, for my partner, it might not outwardly look that way, it might express differently but I do.

  • Brad McEwen
    Brad McEwen 3 năm trước +2

    This has been a big help to understand and also to validate experience. But for every thought of validation, a thought of self evaluation to realize why you arrived in a place at a point in time. That's the only thing that ultimately matters. Thanks.

  • Miranda
    Miranda 3 năm trước +3

    Untreated, no. We can so long as we’ve done the work to develop our sense of self identity, self awareness, and accountability... you need those things to have the basis of a healthy love/relationship.

  • Boo Spanyer Cassiopeia
    Boo Spanyer Cassiopeia 7 tháng trước +1

    Some really take advantage and destroy people with this, preying on them. Stringing them along for years. Terrible💔 Fascinating video, Doc!

  • J
    J 3 năm trước +43

    Having a relationship with someone with BPD...without even knowing this disorder existed, was one of the most traumatic experiences ever...on top of this, she was a single mother which made it so much worse.. the strength needed to break off this cycle is out of anyone's league, some ex BPD's partners never recover..

    • Exo ViT
      Exo ViT Năm trước +1

      A M i am aware i've followed him for years

    • Linda
      Linda 2 năm trước +1

      @Exo ViT Maybe he loves you just as much but that he is just an introvert? I am an introvert

    • ꧁Cursed Gypsy꧂
      ꧁Cursed Gypsy꧂ 2 năm trước +5

      Sorry you went through that. Not everyone with BPD is like that. Please stop putting people with BPD in a bad light. You made of had a bad experience but it doesn’t apply to all with BPD.

    • Exo ViT
      Exo ViT 2 năm trước +5

      @J i love with everything i have if i care about someone. i would bend over backwards for people i care about. and never ever hurt someone on purpose. i just need more attention than normal people in order to feel loved and not be lonely and depressed.
      also bpd has the highest recovery rate out of all PDs. and gets better with age for most

    • Exo ViT
      Exo ViT 2 năm trước +5

      @J that is not true. i have bpd and i am not a predator. also i have a lot of affection. you should educate yourself

  • F M
    F M 5 tháng trước +3

    The BPD can also string along a "non" partner. It's happened to many a person .

  • Brit Ann
    Brit Ann 3 năm trước +40

    You explain things in such a succinct, well worded manner.
    Thank you ^.^-

  • Ton Robert
    Ton Robert 9 tháng trước +2

    Basically since people with BDP struggle with self identity it causes them to struggle with a healthy level of self-esteem and self love & when a person don’t love them selves they will find it very challenging love anyone else POWERFUL ILLUSTRATION !

  • Maturity is earned
    Maturity is earned 2 năm trước +10

    It’s been my observation that when people with BPD also establish folie a deux relationships it really gets strange and can be dangerous.

    • Angieee
      Angieee Năm trước +7

      @stella a fallout disorder between two people. In other words what the person with BPD does to the partner can affect the partner mentally and drive them insane. That’s what folie a deux means

    • stella
      stella Năm trước +1

      folie a deux?

  • LadyBug3178
    LadyBug3178 Năm trước

    I find your videos extremely helpful in identifying various traits and characteristics and their impact on relationships. I would also find useful some videos that compare a variety of treatments and healing practices that have effectively promoted a recovery. Thank you for your valuable work.

  • Alex K
    Alex K 3 năm trước +4

    I love (pun intended) all your videos, so dead-on explaining how I love. How do you stop the infatuated love? I realized recently its the only way Ive ever loved before and I want to stop but... Idk how.

  • Narxos
    Narxos Năm trước

    Having bpd is pain. Loving hurts, being loved hurts. every show of affection hurts bc I’m aware that these sensations are momentary. And the pain I experience never leaves. I don’t expect anyone to help, save, understand my emotions or views or being emotionally available enough for what I need. Hate how I feel, feels unfair for me and ppl who genuinely care for me.

  • Coelacanthimorpha
    Coelacanthimorpha 3 năm trước +13

    I tend to like (in the sense you use) quite a few people, some of who have been friends for years. But I do have to remind myself consciously to keep in touch with them, as my automatic emotional memory only works for people i love in all three aspects

  • John Gagon
    John Gagon 8 tháng trước +1

    People with BPD try to love themselves and love others a bit "too much". It might be an either-or proposition. That is, when a BPD person splits into being disappointed with themselves, they feel grateful and glow about their other half and try to latch on. When they defend themselves or view themselves as treated unfairly (sometimes a delusional or paranoid view), that is them defending themselves and that is part of loving yourself. So the problem is more the how, and not the if I would say. I have had a period of BPD symptoms that are in remission according to one and misdiagnosed from Complex PTSD by another. Abandonment is often an actual development occurrence in many instances so that in itself has an overlapping potential cause (the T in the CPTSD). In my case, I was 4 and parents accidentally drove off without me and I recall crying thinking the worst. It was a young age and I don't know for sure how much is nurture or nature but it was true in my case. I think it takes more than one instance though. It may be regular marginalization that reinforces the abandonment for example, (also true in my case but also in some others I know) The one other case I know had the circumstance of a disappearing mother at a similar age. He still harbors a lot of resentment there and had stalking issues with his relationships.

  • Inochizo
    Inochizo 3 năm trước +21

    Both NPD and BPD People desperately want love but it seems to me that they don’t know how to go about in the right way. NPD seem to be more manipulative about it and BPD seem to cause drama to keep it. However, NPD are in the end only out to serve their own interests and BPD push and pull so much that most can not tolerate that kind of turbulence. I love you, I hate you, I love myself, I hate myself... During my relationship with someone who answered all the BPD screening questions indicting he had BPD; he also had a lot of narcissistic traits and further complicated by alcoholism, I summed up my feelings about what we were going through this way, “You are lost in a forest of uncertainty and I can’t be there with you.”

    • Inochizo
      Inochizo 3 năm trước +1

      @Lamby V Ohhhh...

    • Lamby V
      Lamby V 3 năm trước

      "answered all the BPD screening questions indicting he had BPD; he also had a lot of narcissistic traits and further complicated by alcoholism." I'm there right now :(

    • Valarie Lewis
      Valarie Lewis 3 năm trước +2

      Polychrohm a good anology👍🏻

  • Lauren
    Lauren 2 năm trước +8

    Thank you for posting this! Your calming factual voice is music to my chaotic BPD soul❤️

  • Bruce Wilson
    Bruce Wilson Năm trước

    Very good points. I got sucked into a relationship with a BP because of the passion and the intensity. This came after leaving a long, sexless marriage that had gone dead. I paid the price. We got married quickly and we divorced within three months. I have been damaged financially and emotionally. I would like to learn more about why and how people get sucked into a relationship with BP. It is intoxicating but very damaging. Thanks for your videos.

  • geralldus
    geralldus 2 năm trước +5

    The closing comments on BPD, self acceptance, the inability to love oneself and how this affects to ability to love others is both perceptive, helpful but also rather disturbing...thank you!

  • 8No1 LikeMe-Infinite 💫Star
    8No1 LikeMe-Infinite 💫Star 3 năm trước +4

    I have been diagnosed with BPD and I think what's missing here is AN EMOTIONAL COMPONENT that I find is extremely important for me

  • Lila Feldman
    Lila Feldman 2 năm trước +3

    They said that love is not a feeling, love is a choice. I dont agree. I think that there are feelings involved with love and choices involved with love. And part of being a healthy person is having feelings in line with reason, and faith. Like you said, passion, companionship, and commitment. All 3 line up to make *love*.
    People with BPD often have intense feelings to start out, but lack the inner stability to sustain relationships over the long run. feelings, and choices aren't lined up in the borderline patient. These "parts of self" aren't whole.

  • Amanda 2102x
    Amanda 2102x 3 năm trước +13

    Can you do a video on how ODD turns into antisocial personality disorder? My son has severe ODD,and I would like to know more about how and why it turns into this disorder. Thank you.

  • Erika Dutra
    Erika Dutra Năm trước +1

    Dr. Grande, I wish I had a chance to meet you and you just put inside of my head all this politely, professional ways that only you have to cut the sugar toppings of these cluster B personalities disorders... I’m a victim of one and boy it hurts to the extreme to love them.

  • Ashley
    Ashley 3 năm trước +10

    It's overwhelming learning more about oneself from VNclip videos. Btw, I like the poker face. At least one of us is stable. :)

  • Julia Norman
    Julia Norman 2 năm trước

    Damn, this was extremely well-done and I can see these precisely in myself. Thanks for producing this.

  • Snesable One
    Snesable One 2 năm trước +23

    bpd...story of my life... forever on the outside looking in, hoping for more yet never feeling satisfied.. losing everyone i love. constantly in and out of different subcultures scenes, trying to find peace inside for something that makes sense.. if i love you you're guaranteed to hate me eventually.

    • Scott Preston
      Scott Preston Năm trước +1

      Counselling and therapy work best. You can't expect to get well without proper trained feedback. Therapy works well and helps you to be more aware of what you are doing and feeling. Also, meditation goes a long way to calming the mind.

    • Roger Britus
      Roger Britus Năm trước

      @Snesable One Interesting that you mention God. He's likely the only source for the infinite amount of love that you need - IF you believe it, of course. That did work for one person I know with BPD, who when about 40y.o. got religion and improved significantly in a few years. One other BPD I know was too inconsistent in her beliefs and also quite manipulative, even with God. Who, apparently, doesn't like to be blackmailed. So she never improved, religion was just a sanctimouious facade.

  • APGY
    APGY 3 tháng trước +1

    Thank you for your work! So helpful!

  • Double Libra
    Double Libra 2 năm trước +2

    Thank you for this excellent video, Dr Grande. The ability to love oneself really seems to get to the heart of the matter.

  • Nettie Starr
    Nettie Starr Năm trước +2

    my mom always said you can't love others if you don't love yourself. She was right.

  • Kristin Alayna
    Kristin Alayna 3 năm trước +1

    What if the Borderline refuses to get close emotionally or pursue a committed relationship but wants all the other parts of a committed relationship, just no label or emotional reciprocity? When you were explaining this type of situation and how the Borderline would act in this case, it seemed to be the opposite of what I expected. What I noticed is that the supposed BP would do the opposite of what a Non-BP would do in regards to anything where they could be judged, rejected, etc. But in other situations where they don't feel threatened or trigged they act as if they themselves are a Non-BP. The incongruency only happens when they're expected to show up in a non-physical way. Conversations last less than 5 minutes each even though they are bothered by someone not talking to them. Just a complete contradiction. They can't express anything. Sensitive and passive aggressive, then explode or discard when they feel they have been discarded...